Mad About You!

I know, I know, I said I would be back, writing feverishly (again) and I have failed. But, this time I honestly have a legitimate excuse (as if to say my previous excuses were anything less than legitimate). So here goes: Blame Canada. Much like in the classic South Park hit, I too believe that Canada can officially be blamed for all my problems (at least those that fall between January 18 and February 26). And since I finally have a little bit of down time (yet no internet access) for the first time since I landed in the Great White North (which is actually warmer and has less snow than Iowa City at the moment), I thought I would try to get back into the swing of things by giving you a little taste of Canadia (well, that and the fact that I haven’t actually seen a sporting event from start to finish in nearly a month making it impossible to write about anything you care about). So these are the 10 things that have driven me nuts the MOST over my first two weeks. These are the things, Canada, that have me Mad About You!


10. 13 Hour Days

I’ll begin with the obvious. I have been working 9 AM to 10 PM for the past week and a half. That’s 13 hours a day folks. I don’t like to complain a whole lot, but when you are used to working 40 hours a week, 60 is a ton. Throw on travel time and you’re gonna want some rope, a razorblade or any sort of firearm.

9. No Internet Access….Anywhere

For those of us that haven’t had the will-power to end everything just yet, this one just about puts you over the edge. Whilst working those 13 hours each day, I am locked in a conference room with 4 other AUDITORS with NO INTERNET. That means no checking e-mail, no checking the news, and no surfing the net (not even the beloved Manchise).

8. Phone Costs

Since the internet is almost non-existent (only available for $14 a day in the hotel and spotty at best), it would make sense to at least TRY to stay in touch with everyone back home (or at least that special someone). Unfortunately, my US contract has some nice fees attached to it. Like $10 every day I make/receive a call here, plus close to $1 per minute I’m on the phone. Luckily, I have been able to keep my sanity by texting (mostly because I didn’t check out how much that’s going to cost me)

7. Poutine

“It’s a Canadian tradition! You have to try it, you will LOVE it!” they said. Well, they were wrong. I am filing a motion to change the name to Poo-tine. For those of you who have never ventured north of the border, poutine is your standard order of French fries with gravy and cheese all over the top. It doesn’t sound too terrible, but trust me, ketchup and/or mayonnaise will do this Mancheese just fine (and will save him roughly $1.75 US).

6. Food Court Closes at 6:00 (I get off work at 10:00…)

So where do you go to get this fine cuisine? Well, working in an office building downtown Toronto means you probably head to the underground food court. It’s convenient and a great place to grab lunch. However, dinner becomes a little bit of an issue. See, the food court is only open until 6:00 PM. For those of you who have read the preceding “hates,” you know I don’t get off work until 10:00. That means we have to order take out. Every night. And by the way, that does not mean pizza or burgers or even Chinese most nights. After a while, a guy could use a little eat-in action. Too bad basically everything is shut down by 10.

5. SportsCentre/TSN

But Jonah, at least you can relax and catch up on sports for a couple hours when you get home from work, right? WRONG! Remember ESPN? That wonderful station we love to hate for being biased and hating on the Big Ten, Iowa and everything this site stands for? Well, it exists up here, just in a little different format. See, here we have TSN – the Toronto Sports Network. We still have, well, one of the popular ESPN shows, with a little twist. It’s called SportsCentre. That’s right, with an “re” at the end. Any guesses as to what they show? That’s right, hockey. Hockey, the occasional Raptors highlight and more hockey (including the CHL – Canadian Hockey League – All-Star game instead of highlights, NBA or NCAA basketball). That’s it. Kill me now!

4. NO Flapping Heads

The one thing I was really looking forward to when I was told of my assignment was the flapping heads advertised on South Park. For those of you who don’t follow the show, Stan’s little brother is adopted and is from Canada, which means his head is separated into two parts and flaps when he talks. Terrance and Philip – two Canadian comedians – also have flapping heads. Much to my surprise, when I arrived here, nobody (and I mean NOBODY) has a flapping head. They are all just like ours, eh. Bummer.

3. LCBO

As you can guess, everything listed above is about enough to drive a man to the bottle. And that’s exactly what I had in mind when I walked to the convenience store the second day here. To my surprise, there was no beer for sale. I asked someone at work to point me in the right direction. So where do you get the goods up north? Basically nowhere. It’s sold in one chain of stores, which is an arm of the government. LCBO – the Liquor Control Board of Ontario. The bastards have a monopoly on alcohol and apparently close around 6:00 PM, just like the food courts. Remember what time I get off? Yeah, this guy’s not getting a drop.

2. Airport Trouble

The bright spot in the whole week is knowing I can leave the office around 2 on Friday and head home. My flight is SUPPOSED to get into Cedar Rapids via Detroit around 8:30 on Friday night and then I leave again on Sunday around 2. How likely do you think all that is? Not very. I should have known when I walked into the airport and saw I had to drag my own bag through customs and throw it onto the conveyor. Then, when I got to the gate and they had the flight listed as going to Evansville, Indiana, I should have gone running. Instead, I stuck with it and went through the 3 different security checkpoints. I had my bag rummaged through and my laptop examined. I took off my shoes and belt, but kept my pants on (like I would tell you if I didn’t). I had my pockets tested for chemicals and then finally settled into a tiny terminal with inadequate seating. Thanks for the great experience Pearson International Airport, let’s do it again this weekend.

1. Driving From Detroit

And the number one thing that is driving me absolutely nuts about my trip to Canada at this point: my drive from Detroit, Michigan to Iowa City, Iowa. That’s right folks, after all that hassle to get onto my plane in Toronto, my flight from Detroit to Cedar Rapids was CANCELLED due to the “fog” that was apparently spotted somewhere in the state of Iowa by some genius at Delta. So, after weighing my options (sleep in the airport/get a hotel room for a 6 AM flight, return to Toronto, or rent a car) I decided to snag myself a nice little Toyota Corolla and hit the road….. for 6 ½ hours….. at 8:30 PM. It wasn’t the most fun I’ve had. It wasn’t the most fun I’ve had in a car. Hell, it wasn’t any fun (with the exception of DJ Kid Scratch lifting my spirits as I passed through Gary, Indiana), but it got me home a day earlier and kept me out of a hotel for one night. But God damn, I don’t plan on EVER driving from Detroit to Iowa City at 8:30 at night again.

So there you have it folks, the top 10 things that have me Mad About You, Canada. And as horrible as it seems, Toronto isn’t a half-bad place. Coming soon, the top 10 things I like about the joint (well, we’ll see how many I can get – it may take another week or two…). I do plan to catch a little hockey while I’m up here (it’s the only thing on TSN – reference #5 above) and will hopefully have some pictures to share at some point so you can join in my misery. Until then, I do apologize for my lack of sports opinion and promise to get back to it as soon as possible. Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences on the Great White North, and remember, don’t blame me, Blame Canada!