Matthew Clemmens: Asshole of the Year

I just read a story about the most disgusting act of drunken behavior I have ever heard of. The report was on ChicagoBreakingSports.com and it described a scene that took place at a Phillies game on April 14th. It was reported that a 21 year old Phillies fan, who just turned 21 in March, pleaded guilty to vomiting on a man and his daughters.

But hey, that stuff happens sometimes, right? If you walk the streets of Iowa City on a Friday night during the school year, I'd bet that you'd see lots of that. In fact, during my sophomore year a buddy of mine fell victim to a drive by vomit-er in a local "scummy" bar. But what makes this such a repulsive act is that the 21 year old, Matthew Clemmens, stuck is fat little fingers down his throat to puke on this man on purpose.

ON PURPOSE.

Apparently, Clemmens and his drunken buddy were spilling beer and heckling the father and his daughters from the moment they took their seats. One of the daughters requested the two to hush their fat little cheeks, and the father complained to security. Clemmens' friend started to spit (I'm assuming just by the flattering picture above, that his friend had his first ever dip in his mouth, or spit sunflower seeds like Ozzie Guillen), and it hit Michael Vangelo's (victim) daughter.

The friend was then ejected from the game, leaving Clemmens drinking by himself. Well as we all know, drinking alone is the sign of a drunk, and that is exactly what Clemmens is. After some time, Clemmens got a little bored. He felt a little vibration in his pants and dug his chubby, swollen fingers into his pocket, answered his Boost Mobile and said, "I need to do what I need to do. I'm going to get sick," the prosecutor said.

That is when he took his salty, peanut encrusted fingers and shoved them down his throat and "threw up on the father, with some vomit splashing onto Vangelo's younger daughter".

As if that were not enough, the 21 year old, who seems to have had his first taste of alcohol during the game, decided it was a good idea to punch the father several times in head before fans FINALLY stepped in.

What the hell is the world coming to when a kid resorts to puking on a guy on purpose because he got your boyfriend kicked out of a baseball game? A baseball game, in which, the two of you were acting like immature assholes? Puking on a guy and his daughters, yeah, you showed him Clemmens.

I guess it's hard looking like the 21 year old version of Bruce Bogtrotter from Matilda, but come on Clemmens, life ain't that bad! Keep your shit together.

If I were the judge, not only would I make you a personal servant (a la Seinfeld style) to Vangelo's daughters, but I would send out a world wide PSA that forbids all bars and establishments that serve alcohol from selling you anything alcoholic. Actually, I wouldn't even serve you non-alcoholic beer. You are a wreck. You are an embarrassment. You are one disgusting piece of scum.

I hope that's not the kind of fans Chicago is going to deal with during the Stanley Cup Championship games. But I guarantee, if you or any of your fellow Phillies puke on a guy in the Madhouse, security wont be escorting you out. The whole section will be and you wouldn't be leaving with only one black eye my friend.

Not only will you go down as one of the biggest pieces of shit in sports fandom history, you will now probably be banned from your favorite teams ball park. You have embarrassed your parents, family, and friend.

If you wanted to get tasered by security and create a ruckus, run on the field. Don't puke on a guy that is trying to enjoy a baseball game with his daughters. This act really shows the kind of guy you are. Who heckles a dad with two young daughters? Honestly? Even if he was a Mets fan and him and his daughters all had matching David Wright jersey's on, you don't pull the kind of B.S. you did. On top of that, you probably just ruined his daughters idea of baseball for the rest of their lives. Congratulations.

So with all of that said, I here by classify you as the first ever Manchise Asshole! An award I just made up for the most ignorant, drunken, birdbrained, moronic, inhuman, and uncivilized human beings on this planet. When this award goes out in the future, the trophy will always bare your name. The Matthew Clemmens Asshole of the Year.

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